A few months ago I had my tubes tied.  Due to my depression and anxiety issues Paul and I (with consultation from my doctors) decided that we were officially done having children. (Granted this would have been an easier procedure 4 years ago when I was having Sam, but recent issues have really solidified that I am DONE having kids.)  I love my kids, they are great, and really, I don’t have to justify our decision to anyone.

Since getting my tubes tied. I have had issues.  So next week I am going in for a uterine ablation and as an added bonus, I am getting my bladder tacked back into place.  Two large children have done things to my bladder to make it not so happy.  Here is a direct quote from an email I sent my cousins regarding the ablation and bladder surgery: “They put me under, shove a balloon all up in my lady junk, fill it with really hot water and let is fester in there for like 8 minutes while my uterine lining gets burned off. Also, because I am super classy and have lost control of my bladder since having kids, I am getting my bladder tacked back into place so that I can sneeze with out peeing myself.”

Sooooo, in order to prepare for the bladder surgery, the insurance company needs proof that I pee myself on a regular basis, so I went in today for “bladder testing.”  I get into the room and see this:

This? Totally normal.

I was a little freaked out and the nurse came in to tell me how they were going to put a catheter in, take some measurements and try to recreate situations where I pee myself. All with two nurse practitioners in the room. Yeah, because that is not super awkward.  So I got to test out the little camp toilet and while I was peeing it measured all kinds of stuff.  Then I got to sit on the table with my feet in stirrups. I was supposed to pretend I was just sitting at my desk at work, working I guess, and every now and then I would have to cough or bear down and push while the nurse would look to see if I accidentally peed myself.  Long story short, I peed myself, the insurance company will be happy and I survived one of the most AWKARD tests I have ever been through.  At the end of the test, I had to get on that toilet thing again WITH THE CATHETER in and pee. Not only was the catheter in, but it was taped to my thigh.  Talk about awkward. But I did watch my urine stream on the monitor.  That was kind of cool.

Oh, and when you have a catheter, you don’t piss excellence afterward like Ricky Bobby. You piss fire for hours.

And that is how we keep things classy here in Alaska.

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